Scenario 1: 10-year-old spilling milk
When I was 10-years-old I dropped a milk carton on the floor and rushed to wipe it up as milk guzzled from the carton, spreading all over the floor.
On my knees, I helplessly observed a drenched rag in my hand ineffectively moving liquid around instead of soaking it up.
As I was contemplating what to do next. Thinking to myself, “Oh no, I better…before my mom sees this…”
Seemingly out of nowhere, my mom passes by, becomes upset, then BAM, slapps me on the tush.
I recall a jambalaya of feelings: feeling unfairness, scared, confused, angered and disbelief.
Interestingly, I’m having difficulty remembering whether my mother proceeded to walk away and leave me to figure it out or whether she cleaned up the milk with me.
A Thought Distortion is a term used to describe a biased way of understanding events.
For example: the Thought Distortion that forms from this scenario resembles something along the lines of: It is MY fault when I make a mistake.
If the parent punishes the child without properly understanding the child’s intention, over time, layer upon layer of distorted thinking patterns arise from these encounters: mistakes are bad -bad mistakes need to be punished – my parents dislike mistakes – my parents dislike me when I make mistakes – I am bad – I cannot make mistakes and risk my parents not liking me.
Scenario 2: 6-year-old protesting on Christmas Eve
On Christmas Eve when I was 6-years-old, to protest my inability to get my way and open presents early, my genius self decided to donn a ski mask and hold a toy machine gun to stand guard in front of the Christmas tree.
To show the world how upset I was.
Whatever you think about this after reading it – you are right.
Not sure what that boy was thinking either.
My dad shows up, sees my outfit and goes straight to becoming angered and telling me “WHAT are you DOING??!!”
Dad walks off.
I sit there feeling stupid, embarrassed and still upset.
Any chance to process disappointed feelings is squashed and now layered with even more feelings.
Thanks a lot, dad.
My 6-year-old self felt confused and likely learned to “not complain when I feel bad about something”. Which for me, eventually became I cannot ask people for help.
Directly punishing a child after negative behavior is the most intuitive parenting method.
It is crucial to understand the various reasons for this repeated pattern of parenting the way we were parented.
1. Our parents were punished by their parents when they misbehaved.
We often default our parenting style from our own upbringings.
My parents were punished in different ways when they “misbehaved”.
My mother was pinched everytime she did something “naughty” at the dinner table.
My dad was raised with high expectations where there was no time aside from working to become something. There was no time for feelings. My dad earned affection from his parents by achieving.
2. Our parents react to our behavior by becoming upset.
It is easier to become upset when there is an obvious explanation to the problem
Cause and effect: The cause is the child’s negative behavior.
And the effect is where the negative behavior evoke undesired feelings in the parent.
3. The parent takes out their frustration on the child to undo the upsetting feeling.
Without hesitation the parent shows the child how upset the child has made the parent feel.
The next act is disguised as a way to to make sure the child learns a lesson: the parent throws the feelings back at the child by making the child upset.
By punishing.
The child who gets punished for making a mistake learns to feel bad about themselves.
Our parents learned to feel bad when they made mistakes.
And now the lesson comes full circle, passing on from generation to generation.
Now the mistake is fused with a bad feeling.
Then, to avoid feeling bad we avoid making mistakes or mask the bad feelings with anger.
The final Thought Distortion: Mistakes are infuriating.
I want to parent better than my parents.
My two-year-old son (Hudson) purposely approached the couch where his baby brother was cradled in the nanny’s arms drinking milk out of a bottle. Hudson started pushing on the spare bottle, about to spill his brother’s breast milk.
Our nanny reacted by telling Hudson, “No no no… we do not do that.”.
Hudson proceeded to look down, visible anxious and fidgety hanging onto the couch, not knowing what to do next. I imagine he was contemplating whether to walk away or proceed to push the bottle over to see what happens.
Before Hudson could decide, I intervened by acknowledging to Hudson :”Nanny is feeding Emery. That’s why she is not paying attention to you.”
I remind our nanny to address Hudson’s underlying intention of wanting her attention.
I was concerned that if we reinforce his negative behavior it will successfully reward negative attention seeking behavior.
Our nanny then communicated to Hudson that she is feeding Emery now and cannot tend to him.
Asking whether he can wait until the feeding is over.
He is welcomed to come ask for anything he wants.
Hudson did not proceed to do anything malicious.
This way of addressing the behavior directly addresses the child’s feelings by understanding that the child has trouble dealing with a way they feel.
The child acts out.
The child is not trying or purposely to be bad.
If we can model a curious and understanding stance to interpret his behavior it increases the odds where the child learns that feelings are not scary, feelings are not bad, and we do not act out our feelings when we don’t feel good.
For me, there are several instances in my own childhood where I experienced making a mistake and then despite feeling uneven about it, my parent came along to make me feel even worse.
Looking back, that did not model for me how to deal with my mistakes and frustrations in an adaptive fashion.
I turned out to become wishful of having a parental figure that understood me.
I became a child psychiatrist to help other parents understand their children.
If you value raising an empathic child that is attuned to their own feelings, we can aim to validate the child’s feelings (empathy) before addressing the behavior directly.
See the post on common sibling jealousy behavior and ways my family tries to address it.