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Common Sibling Jealousy Scenarios & Strategies

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H is currently still a toddler and his younger brother, an infant.

We have witnessed several aggressive acts fueled by jealousy.

This post is a compiled list of events that summarizes what we notice in other families and our very own.

This post can be helpful to understand different ways to deal with negative behavior by basing the intervention on the child’s perspective.

Not our own.

Only reacting to the toddlers “misbehaving” is a way of misunderstanding the child’s underlying intentions that leads to unnecessarily punishing.

This over a period of time runs the risk of teaching (modeling) for the child to displace your own emotions and act out.

Let us learn together!

Jealousy over breast feeds

  • Scenarios
    • When E was a newborn H would not even allow E to latch. H would use his head to displace his brother. Like a hungry piglet outcompeting their sibling.
    • H would also hit E on the head.
    • Later, H learned to say “I don’t want you to feed E!!”

  • Strategies (from easy to difficult)
    • Easy *
      • Avoidance:
        • Having some other caretaker be with H whenever Mom was breastfeeding. Especially during H’s vulnerable periods: hungry or tired.
      • Give H his own bottle of milk EVERYTIME E has his.
      • showing H footage of H being a baby and needing these types of feeds.
      • “You also were a baby and needed to be fed.”
      • “Now you are a big boy. Still our 1st baby. Always loved. etc”
    • Moderate **
      • before breastfeeding we give H positive attention. Explaining our intentions of spending time with him, NOW. Mom needs to feed E, AFTER.
      • Borrow books from library about infants
      • aligning or joining the toddler:
        • “help me grab that bottle”
        • “it is feeding time, do you want to play by yourself or help me feed?”
    • Difficult ***
      • Talk to H when things are calm, about him anticipating that he will have feelings when he sees his brother spend time with mom.
  • “I know you are having a tough time watching your brother breastfeed off mama”.

Jealousy over toys

  • Scenarios
    • H will grab ANY toy that E is playing with and say “NO it’s MINE”.
      • side note: H remember shis baby toys and is very possessive. In hindsight, we set up a tilted scenario when 95% of the toys in the house belongs to the only child.
    • H will take the toy and toss it down the stairs
    • At the dining room table during a meal, H will want to play with a toy while eating (we do not allow), since E is sitting in an infant highchair, playing with a rattle.
    • H will try to take the toy, when repelled by us, he may decide to start rolling on E, and likely ends with him hitting E.
  • Strategies
    • Easy*
      • Equal opportunity
        • Any time the baby has a toy, have another toy prepared close by
        • Everytime the baby gets some liquid tylenol, give the toddler a smidge
    • Moderate**
      • Calmly react when the toddler does the negative behavior
      • sternly state not nice behavior
      • Careful not to yell, punish, pay too much attention (unless the behavior becomes disorganized: breaking the toy, slamming the toy etc. )
    • Difficult***
      • During 1:1 time with toddler, help them anticipate a serious discussion: “I want to talk to you about something important”.
      • BONUS: “I’m confused why you are reacting to your brother playing with your toys in this way. Help me understand.”
        • Open ended questions are hard for children
        • Switch to close ended guesses: are you mad? are you worried? Do you worry about your brother taking your toys? Do you worry about your brother breaking your toy?
        • For Hudson, the later two conditions were his concerns. Likely from the Miles gets mad book.
      • Proceed to talk about treating others as you would like to be treated
      • “How would you feel if someone else threw your toy/took a hand from your hands?”
      • Before a playdate or before the jealousy interaction may occur, can prep the toddler with reassurance: “I know you are worried about your brother breaking your toys.” “We understand you like to take good care of your toys.” “Dad is the same way”. “Dad will make sure your brother (or friend) takes good care of the toy.” “We will make sure they do not take it home or break it”. “Can we work on taking turns?”

Take E toys and throw it away, down the stairs, play with it.